Asking for Cool Off

I've only been in a real relationship for quite some time and dealing with another person at close proximity (at least)  socially, has always been a challenge to me plainly because I easily lose patience and I'm not well acquainted with negativity.

Today, I count our 5th month into the relationship with my boyfriend.  I am in and I have been more than surprised by everything thats been happening in a short span of time.  

It seems that there was no honeymoon stage for us as we went straight to the "real deal",  especially with our long distance set up.  

These days,  we got to know things about each other more.

We recently had a lingering problem.. OUR COMMUNICATION.  

From the beginning ,my boyfriend and I were both aware that our LDR set up was up to a great challenge because of the distance; he is in Manila and I,  in Butuan. This was quite a petty issue since we eventually found a solution for it.  We planned visits back and forth each other.  

Later on,  we knew we had different love languages and we just communicate at whole different levels. This caused us both so much struggle.

On his part he'd feel forced and obliged to communicate with me and would get exhausted from it as he would always claim that his love language is physical touch.  While for me, my loge languages are either service or quality time, which is equally difficult to fulfill while we are miles away.

The challenge came to whole new level when the COVID pandemic hit globally and lockdowns were implemented.  Our supposed plans and trips to meet and see each other got cancelled.  (very sad)  :(

We're both stuck to resort to technology compensating for the distance.. The worst?  We don't know how long. 

This frustated us so much but speaking for myself,  I was willing to give an alternative just so we would still nurture our relationship. While on the other hand,  he tries his best to cope up with communicating, yet couldn't hit it right in the pan.

2 weeks ago,  we got into a conflict but eventually settled it after a few days of time off.  We talked and tried to iron things out.  But after a week or more, same problems lingered around.    

I prayed hard on what to do (im pretty sure he also did from his end), I  adjusted my communication frequency just so I dont force him to communicate with me but it felt so wrong within as I was still expecting him to communicate the same way I wanted him to.

I simply didnt know how to take it.  So I decided to ask for "TIME OFF".

Some might think its a very immature decision, some might think its a weakling's gesture.  But to me,  backing off for a while was the most significant thing that I have done.  

So today,  I'm running down on the points why asking for a COOL OFF did me good: 

Q1: Why did I ask for time off the relationship? 

When my boyfriend and I decide to go on with the relationship without a resolution it just stirred up unmet expectations which led to frustration and eventually hurting either of us. 

I just felt I needed to save what we had by not causing more injuries as I was already starting to think of why I'm hating the person.

Yet I know I love this person,  I would not allow hate to grow in my heart. I did not want to hurt him back, so I backed off before I rubbed the open wounds.  

Q2: How did the cool off period help?

It allowed me to THINK more RATIONALLY.  One of the things my partner always taught me was never to decide when my emotions were high.

 At the height of our emotions,  we rarely make good decisions. I knew I was angry and frustrated  so I had to lie low and cool myself down so I get to think of solutions rather than receed to desperation.  

Q3: Did the cool off period add up something to me as individual?

Yes. It made me appreciate the SPACE.  I realized that I could do even without him communicating that much. I got to do all the things I wanted to do and not worry about a thing in the world.

BUT this is definitely no excuse to skip the communication as it is and will still be the backbone of a relationship in an LDR besides trust and loyalty.  Communicate whenever you can but give space to each other to get a grasp of reality of the absence of the other.

Q4: In terms of emotions,  what benefits did cooling off give me?

It gave me CLARITY for the love I have and could give.

In the first few days of the cool off,  my mind was soooo noisy and bombarded with the question if he really loved me.  Later on,  I found out,  that is a question I will never be able to answer,  only my boyfriend could answer that for me..  And so, overtime I shifted my question to whether I loved him.  I woke up yesterday with a message in my heart to go back to the "why"? And ai was never ever more definite about this question and that ruled out all the other questions that existed.  

Q5: What is the most essential thing there is in the "cool off" you've had?

It made me see what JESUS could actually do.

All this time I thought the frustration was coming out from the fact that my partner was so anxious about the uncertainties there are currently in the relationship, hmmmn, maybe?

However,  I realized I was groping for the things that I could do for something that wasn't in my control.  The distance,  the temporary inability of being physically together, his behavior,  his personality.

Today, I realized that whatever my partner brings to our table should not be my first concern, I should think about what I can just give for our relationship,  and then think what God can do about my needs. His fulfillment maybe a concern but it shouldn't be made MY priority,  all the more,  my fulfillment should not be expected from him. In all circumstances,  it should be from God whom we know supplies everything.

These general realizations have definitely opened my eyes to the realities of the situation in our relationship but it doesn't mean there is no more room for adjustments. There has to be,  in anyway,  especially in the light of this special season.

The idea is we should outgrow ourselves according to our situations despite the growing pains and look forward to our visions and believe one day they will happen.

Today is just the 5th day out of the 7 days off I asked and I am healing in a very good way.  I journaled and wrote everyday,  prayed everyday,  read and studied everyday and I'm ready.

There is never a day that I don't think of our relationship but I am at rest in my heart that we both are doing fine while we're away.  I thank God for his wisdom that's unfaltering.

On the weekend,  we're scheduled to talk things out and I'm pretty sure he's learned as much as I did while we're on our time off.

The goal of the cool off is to save whatever we had in our relationship.  It does not necessary preclude a break up.   I'm still settled in my heart that whatever maybe the turn out,  it is planned well for both of our good.

For those of you in the same situation as I am.  Seek time to think of developing what you have.  You don't have to figure things right away but you have to be intentional when you give time to yourself for it.

Always be compassionate and show love. Most of all,  go back to your "why".

'til here,  can't wait to share what God does in the next few days  ♥

Sweet and warm distant hugs,